Please don’t tell anyone you know that I am doing this. I want to see people’s reactions when I tell them I converted to Islam.
My hands are shaking as I type this. My hijab arrived yesterday night but I just found out this morning. A hajib is the scarf that you see Muslim women wear. I ordered a classic black scarf, a few safety pins, and a white underscarf. Mom took this package – white and crumpled – and looked at the return address – StarScarves.com and asked me what I bought. I just simply replied, a scarf (That is what a hajib is!) and she said, “How?” And I replied, “Using my debit card.” And then she just looked away. My heart was beating throughout the whole incident!
Then I was in the kitchen reading something in the newspaper, my mom came up to me, separated by the island in the middle, and told me that the scarf was black. I said (not along those exact words) “I know. Mom, I need to talk. I am converting to Islam.” And then for a flicker, my mom was overcome with fear, but her lips turned up into a smile, and I couldn’t compose myself and I laughed out loud (Stop it, Tory!!! Stop laughing!)! My mom then said, “Please don’t do that, it’s mean!” She said that because she thought this was a joke. Then I confirmed her fears – I am turning into a Muslim – the type of ones that blow up buildings and cars. Not all Muslims are the same, I explained to her, it’s just the extremists that cry ‘jihad’. My mom quickly replied, there’s a lot of Jews at school. I countered, the Nazis are the ones who exterminated them, not Muslims. My mother had nothing to say after that. It was clear that she was a little bit distressed. I was not shocked because she had a breakdown when someone who was close to her told her that he was gay. And I was not that shocked because my mom pretends to be open-minded but in actuality, she isn’t. For the rest of the occasion, she kept blustering then she left the room.
I walked to my bedroom and changed from a t-shirt and shorts as pajamas into a striped turtleneck, jeans, and socks. I can only show my hands and face to people that I don’t know. Also I guess I would have to wear the dress code during lacrosse practice! Well, in Muslim culture, women aren’t allowed to play sports, so I’m going to break that rule and not wear the hajib, unfortunately, because I think it would prevent me from performing my best. I will still wear the pants and long sleeves.
I opened the white and crumpled package. There it was. It was so surreal having an item in my hands that symbolizes what most Americans fear – Islam.I went to the bathroom and bundled up my hair into a low bun, it was very easy to do that. Then I went into my room and quickly figured out the underscarf. It was a white tube of fabric that you easily pass your head through it and pull the edge up until it covers your hair and not your forehead and eyes. Then the black haijb, the actual one was way more harder. I went on the Internet, and, of course, they had some youtube videos that had mannequin heads with hands working around them. Anyways, my mother came in, I could show my hair to her because she’s part of my maternal close family. She quickly figured it out and you had to turn the sides and under the chin and then pin the fabric together. Really easy to do it.
Now. Pictures!
How do you feel? So weird and surreal, eh? But most importantly, how do I feel? Hm. When I first put it on, I was laughing because it felt like a costume, but as the reality set in, my chest started feeling like something is pressing on it. Maybe this hijab is cursed with the fury of Allah! But let’s not joke about Him. I feel like it’s a duty and my responsibility to wear this hajib (Of course) but I can see why Muslim women are wearing it, it reminds them everyday of how Allah is great and their religion, et cetera.
I am getting really sick of wearing this hijab. Thousands of hours to go. Yay! It’s very lightweight and wherever I move, it flows around my body. It’s really weird.
My parents keep giggling when they see me, because, I think, they have never thought of their daughter being a Muslim and wearing a hajib. Maybe they did when I was gone to Turkey, because approximately 98% of the population are Muslim. But it was so mind-blowing to see hundreds of Muslims milling about in the town square between Hagia Sophia and the Blue Sultan Mosque in istanbul. I guess it’s easier looking out than looking in.
There is only a black frame at the very far part of my eyes, I think it would blend in as a part of my vision for a week then when I take it off, it would be completely different. I am a little bit scared that I would lose my confidence when I take the hijab off because I might feel too comfortable inside the hijab, like a security blanket, I don’t have to worry about my looks or whatever. But I am a big girl, I can do whatever I want!
I am not allowed to
- Drink alcohol (Of course)
- Swear (A good reason to stop swearing)
- Show any body part except for my face and hands to strangers
- Play sports (But I’m breaking this one rule because of lacrosse… Duh!)
- Eat with my left hand touching food (Because in the old times left hand are used to clean your behind after going to the bathroom)
- Hug men other than my brother and dad.
Wish me luck!